Detached and Dead!

It’s always difficult to deal with a loss. It’s tough to accept that someone beloved will no longer be around; that a significant piece of your life will be gone. Our religions will tell us about the right ways to deal with this - 'Rituals' as we call it. However, everyone will have different mechanisms to deal with this; some may wail and scream; while others would completely shut themselves off. Different cultures created different rituals, something created by someone like us at some point - what truth does this hold? While sitting and letting the thoughts wander off, I keep wondering why are we stuck in this vicious circle in the first place? Our pleasures always lead to pain. Reading online, I stumbled upon one of the teachings from Buddha stating that ‘Being alive means to suffer’, which made me think about the personal philosophy that I have – ‘Absolute Happiness is a myth’. We are in a world where change is inevitable, and all our attachments will create sufferings in some form at some point. We get tangled into a web of desires, expectations and disappointments; at times we do not enjoy the moment because we fear that it’s going to end or at other times the pleasure associated with the possession becomes prolonged and it loses its charm; happiness eventually fades away. At this point, we eye something new and the circle of desire, expectation and disappointment continues.

Today, I am writing this while sitting at a funeral; at a loss for words. I always feel lost in such situations because I know that the person needs to mourn for as long as necessary and nothing I say could take away that pain. I do not like to make phone calls to express my grief, but just be present and lend a shoulder. All the expectations with being formal makes no sense for me – the deceased have moved on and the survivors need outlet for their feelings; something that can be provided only by the loved ones; one of the situations where numbers are meaningless. A larger crowd creates mixed energies and only delays the attainment of peace by stopping the person from being one-self. Having said that, mourning needs to be healthy too; it would be unwise to let those emotions manifest into undesirable feelings just because we are not ready to accept the reality.

Another question would be, whether we should mourn death or celebrate it? Should this be viewed as an ending or a new beginning. I lost my grandmother 2 years back and it was a very difficult time for everyone; its painful to let go of someone who has loved you since your birth. The situation had worsened then, and she had to be put into ICU, breathing through machines – unable to do anything and just lying there in pain. We all asked ourselves if her life decision should be made by us while she was suffering – however, we were trapped into personal attachments and would do anything to have her back. Alas, she was no more one fine day and moved on to the next role she had been chosen to play – leaving us behind to pick ourselves and accept the reality. I think back, and I agree to the practical voice that asked us to let her go in peace without the needles pricking through her every moment. But, only my grandfather had the strength at that moment – who would sit by her whenever we could take him to see her and who, instead of crying, only lovingly moved his hand across her forehead when she departed, uttering ‘So, are you going and joining the master? Go then’. They had been a part of ‘Ram Chandra Mission’ since long and somewhere they had already detached themselves from the worldly bonds. I often used to think why someone would leave their worldly duties to attend to the almighty (in the form as each one sees) – but, maybe this strengthened them to face the worse.

We all have a problem that we keep the guilt within us because of all the things that we wanted to do and never could. This is true for personal relations, professional duties… even materialistic possessions. We wait and wait until the thing is either gone or doesn’t hold the same value anymore as it once did. Many-a-times we let these disappointments fester so much that we lash out and spoil all the wonderful times that we should have had. Maybe we should learn from the dead – they lived their life, fulfilled their duties as per their destiny or karma and finally leave the earthly vessel to be re-incarnated for a new purpose. While the deceased soul is doing that, shouldn’t we go a little easy on ourselves and let go of all the guilt associated with whatever we couldn’t do or should have done? Everyone has a destiny and they will meet it when that time comes – like the ‘Appointment in Samara’, it is inevitable – all roads will lead us to it.

As ones who must go on, we need to find a way to let go, in our own ways, not worrying about the traditions and not pretending – be who we are! Being emotional fools at one point, we make ourselves believe that showcasing pain will make things better – it never does. We try and walk into the shoes of someone else and spoil the constructive outlet of emotions, keeping the real feelings within and inducing more suffering. Acceptance towards ourselves and ones we adore will lay the foundation of lasting happiness; We need to live the moments to the fullest and not be fearful about what is yet to come – let’s deal with it when it does. I always tell people to be a lion (and not an ostrich) and face our demons head on! Be life-long learners and keep adjusting ourselves on our own paths of righteousness; live, love, laugh, cry – and be honest about it all!